Caithness Predicts Rachel Reeves Budget - A Big Boy Did It and Ran Away

11th November 2025

In a packed House of Commons today, Chancellor Rachel Reeves unveiled her much-anticipated budget with all the solemnity of someone cleaning up after a particularly rowdy house party.

The speech, titled "A Big Boy Did It and Ran Away", laid out a fiscal roadmap that mostly involved pointing at the wreckage and saying, "Well, it wasn't me."

Reeves began by surveying the economic carnage: ballooning debt, crumbling public services, and a Treasury cupboard so bare it echoes. "We found the economy in a state of disrepair," she said, "like a teenager's bedroom after a three-day gaming binge. Empty crisp packets, broken promises, and a suspicious smell of trickle-down economics."

She then held up a blurry CCTV image of the alleged culprit (Jeremy Hunt) a big boy, last seen fleeing Downing Street with a briefcase full of unfunded tax cuts and a half-eaten copy of Atlas Shrugged.

The Budget Breakdown
Public Services - "We'd love to fund them," Reeves said, "but the big boy took the money and spent it on PPE contracts and a yacht named ‘Levelling Up'."

Taxation - “We're not raising taxes,” she clarified, “we're just gently nudging them upwards while whistling innocently.”

Growth Strategy - “We’re going to grow the economy the same way you grow a houseplant you forgot about for six years by apologising profusely and hoping for the best.”

Opposition Reaction
Tory MPs responded with outrage, insisting that the big boy was actually a small girl named Liz who had been unfairly blamed for everything. “She only crashed the economy a little bit,” one backbencher muttered. “It was more of a controlled demolition.”

Meanwhile, SNP MPs asked if Scotland could be excused from the budget entirely, citing “irreconcilable differences” and a desire to stop being the designated driver in Westminster’s fiscal pub crawl.

Reeves ends her speech with a heartfelt plea: “We didn’t break it, but we’ll try to fix it. Just as soon as we find the big boy, make him pay for the damage, and confiscate his copy of The Art of the Deal.”

In a scene reminiscent of a school assembly gone rogue, Chancellor Rachel Reeves stood before Parliament this week and delivered her budget statement with the weary air of someone who’s just inherited a broken tractor, a half-written grant application, and a suspiciously empty biscuit tin.

Reeves concluded with a heartfelt message to the nation - “We didn’t break it, but we’ll try to fix it. Just as soon as we find the big boy, retrieve the missing PPE grants, and convince Treasury that Caithness exists.”