2026 - Not A Good New Year Coming For Many

21st November 2025

2026 a new year in Britain, which means two things are guaranteed.

Someone will insist "this is the year I get fit," and
The government will announce that energy and water prices are rising, again, as though performing an annual ritual to appease the gods of corporate dividends.

Ministers will appear on morning TV wearing the expressions of people who know they are about to deliver terrible news but have been trained to smile through it. “These increases are necessary,” they said, with all the sincerity of a politician promising they'll definitely read your letter. “We understand the pressure on households.” They say this every time, which is odd because if they really understood the pressure, you’d imagine they might try loosening the lid rather than screwing it down harder.

But the price rises are here, and like a rent increase or a rail cancellation, they arrive precisely when everyone least wants them.

Energy companies, of course, insist it’s not their fault. They point to global markets, geopolitical tensions, supply constraints, and a passing butterfly in Malaysia that allegedly flapped its wings in a slightly destabilising fashion. They remind us that times are tough—for them. Dividends don’t pay themselves, after all, and CEOs can’t be expected to survive on anything less than a “performance-based” package worth more than the GDP of a small archipelago.

The government nods sympathetically, then assures us they are “working closely with industry,” which is political code for: They’ve agreed not to glare too hard at our donors. A few opposition MPs rise to condemn the increases, which earns them a stern finger-wagging from commentators who warn that criticising privatised utilities is dangerously close to “ideological thinking.”

Meanwhile, water companies—those fearless custodians of Britain’s sewage reserves—announce that their prices are also increasing, presumably to fund the expansion of their popular “accidental sewage discharge” programme. When pressed on pollution, executives insist the situation is improving, though one suspects they are measuring improvement on a scale calibrated by the people who brought us the concept of peak sewage.

The public is told that these price hikes will help fund “infrastructure upgrades,” which is believable if you define “infrastructure” as “executive lounges” and “upgrades” as “better champagne.”

As the bills soar, ministers urge families to “take simple steps to reduce usage,” like installing insulation, lowering thermostats, and developing the metabolic efficiency of a hibernating bear. Someone suggests taking shorter showers, which is bold advice in a country where a “long shower” is already about 45 seconds of lukewarm drizzle.

Still, the government promises targeted support for those “most in need,” though the actual definition of “most in need” appears to be a closely guarded state secret. The proposed solution, as ever, is a mixture of tax tweaks, rebates that require three forms of ID, and a brand-new scheme with a name so vague it might as well be called the “Something Something Energy Assistance Thing.”

Opposition parties propose their own plans, all of which are immediately declared “unrealistic,” “uncosted,” or “communist” by economists who can name at least 17 types of bond yield but cannot explain why rivers should not contain toilet paper.

And so we will enter the new year shivering, overcharged, and very slightly glowing from all the smart-meter radiation. The political class assures us that the “market is functioning,” though one suspects it is functioning in the same way a volcano technically “functions.”

Still, the British public remains stoic. Or exhausted. It’s hard to tell the difference anymore.

Here’s to the new year when it comes - colder, poorer, and somehow still smelling faintly of chlorine and disappointment.

But don’t worry as leaders have promised that things will improve soon.

Eh - what about the budget???

They just didn’t specify for whom.