Maybe It’s Time We Ban Adults From Social Media For Their Own Safety, Obviously

15th June 2026

At long last, the government has realised that social media is far too dangerous for under‑16s.
A bold move. A protective move. A move that raises one obvious follow‑up question:

When will we finally ban adults?

Because if anyone needs shielding from the horrors of social media, it’s not the teenagers posting dance videos.

It’s the adults — those wide‑eyed, chronically online, misinformation‑marinated creatures who treat Facebook like a sacred oracle and WhatsApp forwards like gospel.

1. Adults are the primary spreaders of nonsense — industrial‑scale nonsense
Teenagers might share memes.
Adults share:

“My friend works in the government and says…”

“Doctors don’t want you to know this one trick…”

“Forward this to 10 people or your bank account will evaporate.”

If misinformation were an Olympic sport, adults would sweep the podium.

For their safety, we must remove the “Share” button before someone forwards another blurry screenshot of something that never happened.

2. Adults cannot emotionally survive comment sections
Teenagers argue about video games.
Adults argue about everything:

The bins

The weather

Whether a seagull is a bird

The correct way to stack a dishwasher

A headline they didn’t read but feel very strongly about

Adults emerge from comment sections trembling, furious, and ready to write a 14‑paragraph rant to strangers.

For their safety, we must intervene.

3. Adults fall for scams like it’s a competitive hobby
Children click suspicious links.

Adults:

Hand over their bank details

Send £300 in gift cards to “HMRC”

Believe Jeff Bezos is personally giving away £1,000 to the first 500 commenters

For their safety, we must protect them from themselves — and from anyone claiming to be “Customer Support” at 3am.

4. Adults overshare like they’re being paid per detail
Teenagers post selfies.

Adults post:

Their medical history

Their neighbour’s medical history

Their holiday dates

Their address

Their dog’s microchip number

Their mother’s maiden name

For their safety, we must gently pry the phone from their hands before they accidentally upload their National Insurance number.

5. Adults are addicted — and in denial
Ask a teenager how long they spend online and they’ll tell you.
Ask an adult and they’ll say:

“Oh, I barely use it.”

…while their screen‑time report quietly whispers 7 hours 12 minutes.

For their safety, we must save them from the endless doomscrolling spiral.

6. Adults are the ones radicalising themselves
Teenagers watch cat videos.
Adults watch:

90‑minute conspiracy documentaries

“Experts” broadcasting from their car

People shouting into microphones about things they don’t understand

For their safety, we must remove the algorithm before it convinces them the moon is a hologram.

A national emergency demands bold action
If banning under‑16s is about “protecting the vulnerable,” then banning adults is about protecting the catastrophically vulnerable — the ones who:

Argue with bots

Believe satire is real

Think every post is personally about them

Fall for deepfakes of celebrities endorsing crypto

Join Facebook groups called “Truth Seekers UK”

For their safety, maybe it’s time we take the phones away.

Just until they calm down.